A Bride's Guide to One F---ing Classy Wedding

Having just finished the final revision of an article I am writing for a bridal magazine, I find myself waxing nostalgic about my own nuptials. I thought that I might pull together a few words of advice, with photo illustrations, to inspire my readership to new heights in wedding success. If I can guide just one dewy-eyed girl down my cultivated path to becoming a wedded woman, I will be satisfied. Just remember--you cannot pick and choose what recommendations to follow. To have a truly urbane affair, you must heed them all.

Arrive at the church with no jewelry--not because you forgot earrings and a necklace, but because you never made arrangements for procurement of said jewels in the first place. Expect pearls to miraculously appear. Smile serenely when they do.

Surround yourself with the less attractive sex so as to secure your place as the event's most shining star. Choose a male "maid of honor" and two best men.

When the priest asks you to put the ring on your groom's finger, zone out and completely ignore him. After the uncomfortable silence, and some prodding, laugh uncontrollably as you complete the transaction.

Insist on a Cadillac limo for the utmost in refinement.

Have your reception in a barn.

Rent a bull.

Ride it.

Stay on longer than your husband.

But not longer than your best friend.

Polka, barefoot.

Make sure the DJ has on hand much Big Hair Rock. Sing loudly and gyrate to at least one Bon Jovi anthem.

Choose, for your after party, a seafood joint no less than 75 miles from the shore. Force this friend...

...to drink this shot. Without shellfish and Tabasco, vodka is meaningless. Then make him drink many more.

Hope that the proprietors of the fine establishment don't notice when and where your friend's stomach lining attacked his offering then rejected its contents.

But don't be surprised when they do.

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Blogger Mom101 said...

Oh my god I'm loving this. Any bridal mag that will publish something this cool deserves my $4.95. If I decide to head down that aisle, I'm calling you first.

9:22 PM  
Anonymous rhonda said...

That is AWESOME!

8:48 AM  
Blogger Jene said...

priceless. I MISS YOU!!!

7:50 PM  
Blogger GIRL'S GONE CHILD said...

loves the pictures!!! Great collection. Yeehaw, rider.

11:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey anyone got the digits for that cute guy at the end of the story?

8:36 AM  

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