Back to Life

I had an interview today for a part time writing job at a nearby university. In the past, I've always known the minute I stepped foot on a property that would become my new professional address. I had the same feeling the first time we drove through the town in which we would later purchase a house. This intuition manifests itself in a moment of sparkling clarity as my subconscious says to me, "We're here for an extended stay, Bink. Take a look around."It's fleeting, but it's instantly recognizable. It's not an after-the-fact acknowledgement.

Well, I didn't have that feeling today. Even though the interview went well and I have every reason to believe I will be chosen for the position, the precognition I have come to rely on was strangely absent. Maybe it's ambivalence that is closing my mind's eye to possibility. Or maybe I'm just not going to get the job. Come Monday, we'll at least know if the latter is true.

The ambivalence is a result of the fact that I love my current status as part of this do-whatever-we-feel-like-when-we-damn-well-feel-like-it mother/daughter team. I LOVE being what is commonly referred to as a "stay-at-home" mom, though Tolby and I are rarely home. We're visiting, we're walking, we're window shopping (not buying--we can't afford that), we're driving aimlessly; basically we're doing everything possible to thrwart a healthy nap schedule. And I freaking love it. Sometimes I get in a freelance article. Most days I blog. If it wasn't for the fact that the one-income thing is driving my husband to drink unhealthy amounts of Piels*, I'd be the happiest I've been in my entire life.

So, while I wait to see if the Connecticut university system has any judgement at all, it would probably be prudent to investigate childcare options that will make gainful employment possible. I'm not gonna lie to you--about this I am not too psyched.

The question is this: where is my intuition now? Where can I find clarity on this most convoluted issue of motherhood inside the home, and out?

*I'm using the "driving him to drink" cliche for hyperbolic effect. My husband is actually not the one with the addictive personality in this relationship. But the Piels thing is accurate. In fact, Tolby's favorite chew-toys are the cardboard cases we buy it in.


Anonymous jess said...

Your intuition is doing what intuition does. Telling you the truth. Whether you want to hear it or not.

7:50 PM  
Blogger Michele said...

I didnt know they still made Piels. I still have flashbacks from my younger Piels/Busch days.

I LOVED being home with my babies. I got 4 months of being a SAHM before we coudlnt handle the stress of being so strapped anymore. We went everywhere - also with no money and very little regard for nap schedules. My kids are very flexible and mobile now because of that, uh, training.

Going back to work was hard for several reasons, including finding a good daycare. But THAT was where my intuition was spot on. I checked out a bunch and when I walked into this one I got the tingly, THIS IS IT feeling. And they are thriving and happy little 13 month olds. I still desperately miss the freedom I had when I didn't work but the payoff, literally and figuratively, in relieving the financial stress was worth it.

8:34 AM  
Blogger lynsalyns said...

I don't envy your decision. I know I will face it soon, when we move and my husband begins life as a student again. I'll be following your thought process closely. Wish I had more to say, but suffice that I'm thinking of you. I'm in the same position - loving being at home, taking freelance gigs here and there, missing the steady paycheck but not the rat race. My only advice is to be as open and honest with hubby as you can.

8:42 AM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

There is no clarity. Only trial and error. I'm going through similar right now. I have this sweet deal where I mostly work from home, but Nate feels smothered and is pushing me to go back to work full-time. It's impossible to describe to him (since he's only known me since I've worked flex) what my life is like --or lack thereof--when I work full time. But we do need the money and since I'm the only one bringing in any money, it seems wrong not to make as much as I can right now. sigh there's just no right answer, is there.

11:56 AM  
Blogger T. said...

Not an easy decision for a mom to make. I was a stay at home mom until my son passed and if he was still at home, I would be too. However, life doesn't always work out like you want it too. Listen to your intuition, discuss it with you husband and most importantly, hear what your heart has to say.

Life is short. Enjoy what ever you choose. Good luck!

3:11 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

What school? If it's Central let me know who you interviewed with, I can see if my FIL knows him.

6:25 PM  
Blogger Krisco said...

I know that feeling...so how did it turn out?

1:36 AM  

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