4.02.2006

How the Other Half Lives

Having exhausted the semantical discourse related to identity and motherhood (Mom v. Mommy v. Mama v. Bitch with Baby), perhaps it is time to move on to a similar examination of fatherhood.

Where Does Your Man Stand? Is He a Dad? Daddy? Dick with Dependents? Take the 8Hours Quiz To Find Out!

1) Your other half thinks that life with children:

a) should be exactly the same as life without children, only with more tax deductions
b) is better than ice cream
c) is okay as long as it doesn't conflict with Poker Night

2) In the heat of passion, he has been known to scream out:

a) "It's like a hot dog in a hallway! A foot long one, of course, but still...you're a freaking hallway."
b) "You kiss the baby with that mouth?"
c) "Don't worry about the baby crying. This won't take long."

3)He is sitting in the room with his offspring, who has filled the entire lower level of your home with the malodorous stench of a jam-packed diaper. Your child's father:

a) pretends to ignore it, all the while trying to harnass all the power of his gastro-intestinal tract so that he can drown out the baby's smell with his own, more pleasing, fragrance
b) runs to the child's aid, all the while cooing "Baby-waby has a huge poopy-woopy! But it's okay! Your dumps are better than ice cream!"
c) says "Hon-ey! The baby just shat himself!"

4) After a pleasant weeknight dinner, you ask him to give your daughter a bath. He says:

a) I worked all day. What did you do?
b) Sure thing, darling. Afterward, I was hoping you and I could go over our finances to determine if becoming a stay-at-home dad is in the cards for me.
c) Okay, but you have to come with me so you can wash...you know, down there.

5) When he dresses the baby, he:

a) wakes up from the nightmare screaming and in a cold sweat
b) lovingly pulls on the matching shirt, pants, socks and shoes that he set out the night before
c) reaches into the drawer and pulls out the first top and first bottom he sees, regardless of season, print or size

If you answered mostly As, your significant other is a DICK WITH DEPENDENTS. He'd sooner leave you for the secretary than acknowledge any stake in the day to day business of raising children.

If you answered mostly Bs, your man is a DADDY. His baby is a princess; you are his queen. Of course, it's all fun and games till the jealous neighbors key your car and set the jungle gym on fire.

If you answered mostly Cs, your co-creator is a DAD. When the baby was born, he held him like a football, and he hasn't stopped thinking of fatherhood as a game--best accompanied by beer, wings, and a Hi-Def TV--ever since.

5 Comments:

Blogger Carrie said...

My husband is a good mix of B's and C's. He has his Daddy moments about 50% of the time. We were just discussing how my identity changed last night and it did not even cross my mind that his might have changed. I think it is because it has not crossed his mind.

8:07 AM  
Blogger GIRL'S GONE CHILD said...

that was awesome. i gotta say i'm pretty lucky. my man is mostly B and he thinks archer is a total and complete princess. wait... hee.

11:04 AM  
Blogger gingajoy said...

hot dog in a hallway. man, i peed myself, and that's because i have NO pelvic wall or bladder control. (can anyone say "adult diaper for all vigorous activity from here on out?)

first time at your blog, but what a hoot:)

4:11 PM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

c, c, a, b, b.
so I guess he's a dad/daddy with a flatulence problem.

This is wonderful!

11:56 PM  
Blogger Ale8one said...

good stuff!

3:49 PM  

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