The Cat's Away

My husband caught a plane to Vegas today. He's off with 11 friends to celebrate the imminent castration of one of his best buddies. Surely there will be much revelry, drunkeness and gratuitous snatch. But what else is on tap?

To hear my husband tell it, nobody ever gets so much as a blow job at bachelor parties. Yes, some men are stripped naked on stage and whipped by women in similar states of undress. Yes, these men may even roam the club floor, barefoot and in boxers, on their way to the bathroom immediately following their public humiliation (does this sound too specific for me to make up? It should.). They puke on strippers. They fall off chairs.

But service in any of its Clintonian manifestations? Nope, America. I did not have sexual relations with the stripper in my hotel room.

Sorry, guy, but I'm not buying it. I accept that there are many low-key events we can safely assume are a threat to nobody's morality. A keg, some hot wings and maybe a big screen with the game on. An inocuous display for the bride's father and for the groom's Uncle Bob. Maybe a round of golf or a spin in a Go Kart. But there's always the other end of the spectrum.

My husband is pretty open with me, I think. I mean, he's told me stuff that would make your toes curl (not that I haven't shared things with him that made his own pedal appendages fold over onto themselves). It's just that sometimes, when he consistently ends up the virtuous one in his tales of group debauchery, I have to wonder.

Maybe I'm jealous. There's a whole world of illicit excitement that I know nothing about. There's fraternity, nostalgia and the unadulterated quest for a good time. There's the cusp and there's the celebration. There's acceptance of the fact that what was may never be again.

In interviewing wedding industry professionals for articles I've written, it's en vogue to discuss how bachelorette parties are becoming "just as raunchy" as bachelor parties. I disagree. Penis popsicles and inflatable phallus headgear do not a bacchanal make. Again, there are exceptions to the rule, and I am perfectly willing to believe that there are more and more exceptions being written every day. But I know a lot of women, and most of them can't hold a candle to the blistering inferno ignited by concentrated testosterone.

Amy and Jene excluded. Where are you girls when I need you?


Anonymous Amy said...

I was thinking while reading, we need to have a trip to Vegas, the ending makes it mandatory.

7:00 PM  
Blogger Tori said...

You are right my love.
I love this post. And you must have been places where you see a group of batchelor boys doing their thang... perhaps even been hit on by one when enjoying a girly weekend somewhere...
In my situation though, I think I have the potential to be more naughty than my husband! THough I know that this is not the norm!

8:22 PM  
Blogger lildb said...

yeah, I must confess, that although I didn't have any illicit interactions with the strippers we went to see (female, btw, b/c, by some strange fluke, the male burlesque shows in town were all closed that evening), we did consume illicit substances. for shame. but it was my last hurrah, and I -- oh, it sounds so dumb. nevermind.

10:09 PM  
Blogger lildb said...

oh, to hell with it. it was the wildest party I've ever been to that didn't involve fellas; well, unless you count my best gay boyfriend, which you really shouldn't. there were nekkid ladies, and a ridiculously stretched out SUV, complete with a mirrored ceiling; there were many, many bottles of champers, and there were lots of drugs. and we got into trouble at every pub we visited. there were, if I recall correctly, ten of us, and we were debauchery personified. part of me is embarrassed to pieces about our rampage that night, and part of me sort of luxuriates in the knowledge that I had the wildest send-off into marriage that I have ever heard attested to. Then again, I have never heard a man tell his version of bachelor party antics and make it sound even minimally credible (they always get a funny, far-away look in their eyes that gives away the farm). So I dunno if mine was really more than sorta edgy in comparison with the men's brand. *shrug*

(I'm horrified that you'll never visit me again at my pad, but I have this weird tic that requires honesty when writing. drat.)

11:23 PM  
Anonymous motherhooduncensored said...

Bachelorette parties are NEVER as raunchy... The worst I've seen (okay, heard... wah... never been to one) is that they could smack the asses of a male stripper.

Oh woo. A greasy disgusting ass.

11:39 PM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

We were JUST discussing this at a friend's bachelorette (ie dinner at her house) party, with a mutual friend who writes about this very thing. (kamywicoff.com) The entire bachelorette party phenom is a mockery of the real sexual boundary-pushing of the male party. Because deep down, women don't care about this stuff, nor do they want to have sex with strangers (for the most part). They want to be loved/taken care of/provided for forever. They don't define their "womanhood" by how many men they hook up with, the way men define their manhood by their conquests.

Ugh, did I just stress you out? Sorry. I'm speaking in generalities. If your husband is anything like Nate they'd rather be golfing than getting lap dances anyway.

12:12 AM  
Anonymous sadsingledad said...

well i personally had a very simple bachelor party, at a bar with about 10 guy friends and nary a stripper. but i have been at few parties with a stripper, and one with two strippers. my experience has been that nothing could make me appreciate my girl more than a stripper party. sitting around with a heap of dudes while one skanky girl teases, works, makes her money, and goes home in all likelihood having revealed her hoohaa but not even her real name is something i get the urge to subject myself to periodically but it is not something that i would label as either fun or fulfilling. the dis factor inherent in paying someone who doesn't even like/respect you enough to exchange names (much less phone numbers or body fluids) for their attention always made me just want to run home and be held by my sweetheart. i do imagine that somewhere out there is a group of superguys, suave and sexy, that can say "hey stripper, we're going to have all kinds of sex with you after we let you dance for us and if your good we won't even charge you," and then have exactly that happen. i have a great imagination. that being said, you, my talented wordsmith, should leave mommy you behind with wife you for company and run to vegas with a couple friends for a few days. it's not as impossible as it sounds, just recognize that you deserve it and that there does exist a set series of steps that would result in the goal you seek to achieve and discovering what those steps are is a mystery you have ample ability to solve.

4:18 AM  
Blogger Carrie said...

My husband and I were friends before we even dated. He told me of a bachelor party where if you paid $50 to the stripper you could get a blow job. Some of the guys decided it was worth it. At the time, my husband said he did not have the money and that is why he did not do it. But, it does haunt him to this day that he shared so many details with his then friend.

9:22 AM  
Blogger Jene said...

i don't know, i believe it in this case. kevin swears nothing happened with chris at his party, and when i brought up what was going to happen this weekend, he was like, no self-respecting guy who is actually getting married to a woman he loves is going to screw around with some crack whore hooker at a bachelor party (of course he does not fall in that category of getting married to someone he loves, but i know him well enough to know that he won't pay for something that he can get for free). and you've seen what happens when those dumb asses get drunk together. women are the last things from their minds. let's just hope there are no riding lawnmowers in vegas.

2:24 PM  
Blogger Jene said...

and oh, i think kevin is more worried about me this weekend that i am about him - peter is flying in tonight with his friend pepper, and i have quite the night planned! :)

2:26 PM  
Blogger Spencer said...

I don't really worry about my hubby, cause I know he's not into the stripper scene. Or at least I think I know that. He's been to titty bars, sure, but he's just not the type to get it on with a stripper. However, it was nice to know that his bachelor party was being hosted by his bible thumpin' big brother :-) No titties in sight!

5:06 PM  
Blogger J said...

My husband told me about a bachelor party he went to that made him pretty sick..the stripper was guarded by her boyfriend/thug, and he wouldn't let anyone touch her...but of course if the price were right, she would do a blow job with a 50 wrapped around the guys penis. It was disgusting, he said. I believe him, because although my husband is as red blooded as any guy, I kind of think he's like the man who posted that it kind of grossed him out. Anyway, there's that story, which of course ended with barfing and illness on the part of the groom. Not that that helps you any, but I'm thinking, if he's the type of guy to get carried away by this stuff, he would have before now, and if he isn't, he won't, and you have nothing to worry about.

6:08 PM  
Blogger Misty said...

We both agreed to spend the evening with our families and forego the parties all together. I forget things like that....how respectful my husband is. Thanks for reminding me. I mean that. We've had a tough time lately and I need thing to put on his "good" list. kwim? Anyhow he's never been to one, and we're at the age now where all our friends are married anyway... there is my brother yet...

Our agreement is don't do anything you don't want me doing..lol...so that keeps him on the straight and narrow. :D

4:07 PM  
Blogger wordgirl said...

Yeah...I'd have to say that bachlorette parties are pretty lame. I find it interesting that men have always equated marriage with enslavement, yet they pretty much continue to live life as always...except for the monogamous sex. Women don't see it as enslavement, yet the name change, the oft-curtailed careers due to kids, the domestic responsibility look just like that from a distance. Men's pre-marriage bachelor get togethers have them partying AS IF THERE IS NO TOMORROW. Nope..don't get it.

So somebody gets whipped on a stage? Wow...I hadn't heard that one.

3:27 PM  
Anonymous H.A.Page said...

Reign them in. Blog about it.
That should do it.
Embarrassment by the keyboard.

8:23 PM  
Blogger jennster said...

god i posted about this a little while back because boyfriend will have the inevitable bachelor party in VEGAS andi'm not happy about that. fuck it. pisses me right off. lol

9:45 PM  
Anonymous mothergoosemouse said...

We're such homebodies. Kyle had a poker game with his buddies, and a couple of my friends and I went to the Melting Pot for dinner. Even if he'd gone to Vegas, he would have been playing poker instead of playing with strippers.

I agree that the antics at bachelorette parties very rarely cross lines.

10:14 PM  
Anonymous Dad said...

Here's what happened. We went to Vegas, had a nice dinner, saw a show, played some blackjack, drank a beer or two and went home.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

11:53 PM  
Blogger Michele said...

While I do believe there was a time when my husband had it in him to *want* to be a bad boy, his STD germaphobia over-ruled it. But he has definitely seen some un-groom-worthy stuff.
I used to work with a guy who was younger than I and all of his friends were getting married. Their bachelor parties were worse than anything I could have imagined. Way, way, worse - and revolting. Just hearing his stories made me want to scrub with a wire brush and bleach. Ick.

9:15 AM  
Anonymous Kevin said...

Since I very much enjoy tradition I must first start this post with an insult, as I have never heard so many sad descriptions of bachelor and bachelorette parties in a single place. If I had to live any of your lives I would surely choke myself to sleep each night.

Anyway, the real reason I am posting is to in fact confirm two things. The first of which is to confirm that Chris is in fact 100% accurate in his recount of the weekends events. The second item I would like to point out is that over the course of the weekend during a very intellectual conversation with the manager of one of the largest adult entertainment establishments in Las Vegas, he did in fact confirm that bachelorette parties, held at his place of business, were almost always louder and less behaved than bachelor parties.

1:10 PM  
Blogger Andrea said...

My bachelorette party was, apparently more exciting than my husband's bachelor party. I guess he was so tired from his job (he went to work at 5 in the morning and sometimes would work 15 hour days) that he passed out before they could get to the strip clubs, or SO THEY SAID. So his friends went through While Castle's drive through, bought a couple crave cases, ate the burgers and stank up our house with their Castle farts, and then hid the burger boxes all over so even a year later we were finding them when we moved out. For my bachelorette party, we bar hopped after the embarrassingly irritating stripper show in my friend's living room, and at one bar, while I had my hands full with a particularly rowdy couple of guys wanting Blow Pops off my Blow for Bills necklace, a girl came over and stuck her hand up my shirt. Twice. She said it was for a bet and I don't know if I believe that. I wasn't particularly thrilled, though my friends (and also my husband's friends) seem to think it was the best bachelorette party of the bunch. Go figure.

My husband's cousin, a pilot with access to cheap airline tickets, wants his side of the wedding party to go to Vegas. I'm incredibly uncomfortable with that and have said no. I don't know if I'm being too harsh on it, and I really don't care. All I know is that I would be hating life that weekend if he were to go, and I wouldn't want my resentment over the whole thing to make me a witch. The bride doesn't have such grand plans. I guess we'll see what happens.

1:30 PM  

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