Perspectives on the End of Bachelorhood

Some of you may remember my plot to get my husband to show his figurative face on this blog. Some of you may even remember acting as willing pawns. To you enthusiastic cheerleaders, we say thanks. And we submit the following He Said/She Said for your approval.

SHE SAID: My husband came home from the Vegas bachelor party determined to put up a strong front. We went to a Memorial Day party on Monday; he went to work and then to play pool on Tuesday; and it wasn't until Wednesday that he finally called in sick to the office. Or, more accurately, he emailed his employers that he would work from home "in between naps." I ran to the nearest Internet portal and looked up the incubation period for the ten most common STDs.

HE SAID: My wife doesn't trust me worth a darn. She is still convinced I got some at my bachelor party. I probably should have. At least then, I'd have the bragging rights to go along with the blame. Believe it or not, a bachelor party can be fun without the swapping of bodily fluids. Other wholesome activities include watching strippers, gambling, drinking until you puke on a stripper, trashing hotel rooms, and discussing Tolstoy with strippers who are just doing it to pay for college.

SHE SAID: He forgot "burying your face in a stripper's cleavage at 20 bucks a pop." I would be interested to know how many lap dances it took to secure his party's place in the VIP lounge. Not that I would take his initial offer at face value. I know how it goes. It's like me with my iced coffee addiction. If he comes home from work and asks me if I went to Dunkin Donuts that day, I'll give him an honest yes or no answer. But if it's Friday and he poses the open-ended How many times did you go to Dunkin Donuts this week? question, I'm not above fudging the numbers.

HE SAID: Good thing I get the credit card statements. Her "lies" can only deceive me for so long. Here's an interesting tidbit about strippers. The girls in Vegas can make upwards of $200k/year for putting a knee in your lap. This one girl in particular wasn't even really hot yet she lives in San Francisco and commutes to Vegas. I guess the lack of health care and retirement benefits could be an issue, but regardless, that's not a bad gig. Here's my addition to the bachelor party stories: There was one girl whose gimmick was "talking dirty." Not talking dirty as most people know it. Instead, she went up to guys with lines like, "Who's going to let me pee on them next?" or grabbing a guy from behind and whispering, "I want to shove a yam up your ass." Maybe it works for some dudes, but she didn't exactly have me throwing money at her. At the very least, choose a vegetable that people will recognize. A yam? Seriously.

SHE SAID: It's impossible to get a straight answer out of him. Why regurgitate the truth when you can be lighthearted about legumes? Fortunately for him (though I don't know if it's fortunate or unfortunate for me) I like laughter almost as much as I hate deception. When he's really going good, I can be sidetracked indefinitely. I'm sure he loves this about me. What he doesn't relish so much is another personality quirk that plays into this discussion. I often say inappropriate things. And my timing? It's not so good. So my husband has the valid fear that, were he to divulge any secrets from the bachelor party, it would come back to bite him over champagne and chicken Francaise at the wedding of the man whose bachelorhood was so ceremoniously discontinued at the Las Vegas weekend in question.

HE SAID: See? She's already blabbing about this all over the internet. His fiancée is going to read this and wonder what sort of stories Binky might be referring to. I should have never have even admitted to going to Vegas. Fortunately, by now, most of my friends have learned to expect a scene whenever she's involved. Like the time at a dinner party when she brought up the anal sex escapades of the host and his high school girlfriend. In front of that guy's current fiancée. Yeah, that went over really well with the significant other. I'm surprised we still get invited anywhere.

SHE SAID: Go stick a yam up your ass.


Blogger Lauren said...

I've never laughed so hard in my life as I just did reading your entry. We should seriously hang out sometime. CT is not that big of a state.

12:50 PM  
Blogger Andrea said...

OMG! That was absolutely priceless! I may just steal this idea from you if I can get my own hubs to agree. Freakin' hilarious! All I can say is that I hadn't found you when the post proposing this idea came up, but if I had been, I'd have been cheering! So now, I just want MORE MORE MORE!

I damn near ruined my keyboard snorting water out my nose with my laughter.

3:02 PM  
Anonymous Amy said...

this is the best!!! I felt like I was right there with you guys again. I want more too.

3:17 PM  
Anonymous Amy (binkytown) said...

Brilliant! I can't even get my husband to have a real conversation with me most days, much less a collaboration like that. I want more of the Binky squared show!

3:21 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Chicky said...

I yam what I yam and that's all that I yam...

Sorry, for some reason that is now stuck in my head. Which is better than up the butt, I suppose.

Anyhoo... I don't know what its like for guys, but I've been in the VIP section of a strip club (not in Vegas, but a pretty damn swanky one in Atlanta) and its not all that fantastic. I suppose for the men its a whole different experience. For me, it was just a better calibre of free drinks.

As I'm writing you this really long comment (sorry) I'm sipping my DD iced coffee. They screwed up the flavor, the bastards, but I still feel better now that I've had my fix.

3:51 PM  
Blogger Oh, The Joys said...

That is really funny! Great post!

4:43 PM  
Blogger J said...

Just when I really needed a laugh, you guys got me. Very funny. :) Thanks.

6:33 PM  
Blogger MommyWithAttitude said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

7:20 PM  
Blogger MommyWithAttitude said...

That's hilarious! And you sound like the perfect dinner guest, of course you still get invited places.

7:21 PM  
Blogger mama_tulip said...

The last line really ties it all up. ;)

9:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How big of a yam?

- Jon
- Daddy Detective
- www.daddydetective.com

10:27 AM  
Blogger Jene said...

"Comment Deleted
This post has been removed by the author.

7:20 PM"

i thought you didn't censor?

btw, very amused. kevin and i just got back from orlando. it was awesome except that i had to wait on the lines for all the rides without him because he is a dork and scared of rides. i also just had half a bottle of wine and three martinis. ahh, i like vacation. maybe i just won't go back to work.

10:10 PM  
Blogger J said...

Hey there, I tagged you for a meme, since you complained awhile ago that you never get tagged for these things. I'll stop tagging you if you do it...

4:07 PM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

I like that "she" gets the first and last word.

As it should be.

9:57 AM  
Blogger lildb said...

hehehe. you said "yam".

4:49 PM  
Blogger Trish said...

Wow.....coupledom can be exhausting! I do not trust bachelor parties either.
Until further evidence, they are a den of iniquity

12:23 AM  
Blogger T. said...

Oh, my, I am laughing my ass off.

A freaking yam???

And Binky, please, come to my house, and break bread with me. I would love to hear whatever pops into that head of yours!

11:29 AM  
Blogger wordgirl said...

Oh dear! That was so well written and funny that I can't tell if anyone's really mad or just good an writing as if they were.

3:08 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home